Duck Duck Cougar?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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