Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
