Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
