Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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