Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
