Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
