: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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