If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He shit in the fireplace
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
