I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
