I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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