dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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