He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
