Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
