so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
