Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
