She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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