Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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