i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
