thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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