new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
