Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
