i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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