I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
