Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
