i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
