I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
