so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We left the knife in your bed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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