I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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