Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
