I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
