I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The best revenge is premature balding
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
