Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
