i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
