I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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