remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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