Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize