We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
