Swine flu. Run for my life!
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
