if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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