I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
