Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
