I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
