i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Someone signed my nipple.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
