You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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