doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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