I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
