Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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