I should be sponsored by Trojan
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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