My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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