if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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