the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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