We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
