I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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