Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
