three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
