there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
