you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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